Change

I've been looking ahead to the future, thinking about the past, and trying to live in the present all at once. I've discovered I can't split my mind into 3 facets. So I've resorted to allowing my mind to go into a great big mess of all three, spinning around at 100mph.

At the end of every year one goes through introspection. For the student the end of the year isn't December, but rather May. I'm coming up on the end of my first year of college, which in itself is different to think about. In this year I have changed and grew more than I thought I ever could. There I was at the beginning, naively thinking I had done all my growing up. How wrong I was. I am finding who I really am. You can't learn that in high school. There are too many crutches, too many things you can fall back on, to lean on. In college you are on your own. I fell many a times this year, but never failed to look back and learn from it all. I have found my niche, my rhythm, my needs, and my true independence. I have always been independent, but here it was tested. I would like to think I got an "A" in that course.

The end of the year makes me realize how fluid life is. My friends that are seniors are entering the work world, a new stage of independence and growth, which reminds me how close behind I am to them. Now comes a new process for me: keeping these friendships, and thinking more about what the hell I'm going to do when I get out of Earlham.

Change. Nothing is stagnant.

"When your deepest thoughts are broken/
keep on dreaming boy/
because when you stop dreaming/
you know it's time to die."
-"Change" Blind Melon

Thoughts on the Midwest

Spring has finally arrived in the Midwest.  For weeks I've been enjoying the warming weather with a typical Midwestener attitude- don't get too excited.  The thing about the Midwest is it likes to play tricks on you.  I guess our region could be called the comedian of the US with horrible punch lines.  The temperature always fluxuates, giving the illusion of the changing of the seasons, and then it snows 3 inches.  Maybe the Midwest would better be described as a tease.  It dangles sun and warmth infront of us and then covers it up with a blanket.  How rude.  Today it was sunny enough that I have the beginnings of a sun burn.  If it starts to get colder again I might scream.  DON'T PLAY WITH MY HEART LIKE THAT!

I was reading this magazine about different regions of the US, and it described the Midwest perfectly: "It's inbetween where you are and where you are going."  And it has the best rest stops on the highway. Which is totally true. Think about it, have you ever seen nicer restrooms than those in Ohio? Or Indiana? Or West Virginia?  The answer is no.  Venture out of the Midwest and you hit dirty pit stops, no toilet paper, and faded paint. Yes ladies and gentlemen, we understand you're just passing by.  We have no attractions except for Cedar Point, and that's at the edge.

Now, don't get me wrong, I love the Midwest, I grew up here.  Acres and acres of corn fields and pig smell are signs of home for me.  But one has to grow up here to like it, I feel.  Whatever, spring is finally here!

The Breakthrough

You shaped me

with wrinkled hands

aged with experience

of moldings of years before.

Too bad I broke out.

Too bad I ruined your workshop.

Too bad my picture sits in a box

you shelve with dissapointments.

Why the Novel Matters

DH Lawrence wrote this fantastic essay on why the novel matters, so here are my favorite passages in it. I highly suggest you all look it up and read it, it's worth it.

"Now I absolutely flatly deny that I am a soul, or a body, or a mind, or an intelligence, or a brain, or a nervous system, or a bunch of glands, or any of the rest of these bits of me.  The whole is greater than the part.  And therefore, I, who am man alive, am greater than my soul, or spirit, or body, or mind, or consciousness, or anything else that is merely a part of me. 

 I am a man, and alive.  I am man alive, and as long as I can, I intend to go on being man alive."

"But the novel as a tremulation can make the whole man alive tremble."

"I don't want to grow into any one direction any more.  And, if I can help it, I don't want to stimulate anybody else into some particular direction.  A particular direction ends in a cul-de-sac.  We're in a cul-de-sac at present."

"Me, man alive, I am a very curious assembly of incongruous parts.  My yea! of today is oddly different from my yea! of yesterday.  My tears of to

morrow will have nothing to do with my tears of a year ago.  If the one I love remains unchanged and unchanging, I shall cease to love her.  It is only because she changes and startles me into change and defies my inertia, and is herself staggered in her inertia by my changing, that I can continue to love her.  If she stayed put, I might as well love the pepper-pot."

"In all this change, I maintain a certain integrity. But woe betide me if I try to put my finger on it.  If I say of myself, I am this, I am that!-- then, if I stick to it, I turn into a stupid fized thing like a lamp-post.  I shall never know wherein lies my integrity, my individuality, my me.  I can never know it.  It is useless to talk about my ego.  That only means that I have made up an idea of myself, and that I am trying to cut myself out to pattern.  Which is no good.  You can cut your cloth to fit your coat, but you can't cut bits off your living body, to trim it down to your idea.  True, you can put yourself into ideal corsets.  But even in ideal corsets, fashions change."

Intro, Part 1

Here I begin.

I thought I might put my thoughts out there.  And because I'm going on a trip, so this is a way for all you family members and friends to keep tabs on me.  And maybe I can keep tabs on myself.

I'm well into my second semester at Earlham, and having the time of my life.  My classes are finally stimulating, and I've gotten lost in it all.  I'm leaving for Mexico for four weeks in May and I can't wait to go.  So, as far as intros go, this one seems a bit lacking, but it'll get better.